I'm pretty sure that I'm getting myself back into that rut of analyzing things and running them into the ground. There's no possible way I can force anything to happen just by thinking of all the potential outcomes of a situation. I actually have to get out there and act on my revelations otherwise it's all for nothing.
I keep finding myself going back to friendships that I've had since I moved here and wanting to make them work when quite frankly, it's just not going to happen and I know that. Yet, I still go back to them and set myself up for failure and disappointment time and time again because that's what's familiar. It's my comfort zone.
I think I've been believing the lie that I can't experience community until I move away from Hamilton. That feels so true but only because I'm not being intentional about branching out and meeting new people in the area. I'm so focused on getting the heck outta dodge that I've been consumed by researching other places, other schools, other cities...and neglecting the opportunity to build relationships and community right here.
I don't have to move to a different country/province/state/continent to find solid, Christian friends...I just need to take the blinders off and open my eyes to the different people (who I most likely have yet to meet).
One reason that I haven't been following through on my desire for new friendships is because it's a lot easier to handle being rejected when I know it's coming. Going to a new church, making new friends...it's all unknown. While that is exactly what I want, it's also incredibly terrifying. I'm scared that I'm going to put myself out there and have my heart trampled all over my an entirely new group of people. I honestly don't know what it means to legitimately be a part of a thriving group of friends. I've always felt as though I'm just riding on other people's coat tails; like I'm just tagging along but don't actually belong.
It's more than just that though. I've never felt like I belonged anywhere...so how can I develop meaningful friendships if I am constantly self-sabotaging? I think that at the core of this whole issue, it all goes back to finding my home in His heart. Until I feel like I've found where I belong and am secure in that, I won't be looking to friendships to find where I belong. And I won't be constantly surrounding myself with people who don't want me around because I don't want to be around.
That really is what it comes down to. I need to be secure in my identity as a daughter of the King, secure in the fact that He is my only constant, my Home. That's the only way I'm going to experience anything remotely similar to freedom in this area...in any area really...
